


Echoes of Pain

by AllenbysEyes



Series: I'm Not Alone [1]
Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Fluff, Forgiveness, Friendship, Gen, Guilt, Moving On, Spoilers for Legs From Here To Homeworld
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-24
Updated: 2019-01-24
Packaged: 2019-10-15 08:55:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,737
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17525663
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AllenbysEyes/pseuds/AllenbysEyes
Summary: Set between "Legs from Here to Homeworld" and "Change Your Mind." With Steven and the Crystal Gems headed off to Homeworld, Bismuth's happy to stay behind and watch over Peridot and Lapis Lazuli until they reform. At least, until she realizes that she and Lapis have a history that she never realized.





	Echoes of Pain

**Author's Note:**

> Hi there! Man, Change Your Mind was a blast, wasn't it? I'm hoping to write a short series of (mostly Lapis-focused) one-shot fics filling in some of the side plots and character development left unexplored in this latest story arc.

It had been four days since Steven, Connie, the Crystal Gems and the Diamonds left Earth. Bismuth feared they were making a mistake, worried what might happen once they reached Homeworld. But Steven seemed determined, and Bismuth knew full well that there wasn't any talking Steven down from something.

So she remained behind, waiting for Lapis and Peridot to reform.

She already felt a bond with Peridot, the weird, wild little Gem so different from any Peridot she'd ever met. The one who'd tried to take down Blue Diamond with nothing more than soda cans, a canary yellow dress and sheer gumption. Her kind of Gem, through and through.

As for Lapis? Well, she made one hell of an entrance - that much Bismuth could say. And she could tell that she meant a lot to Steven, from the hug they shared after her return, and Peridot, just by the look she shot Lapis before they returned to the battle. And everything Peridot had said about her.   

And any friend of Steven's was a friend of hers. 

When Peridot reformed, in her green uniform and pointed glasses decked out in stars, she was excited and excitable as expected. Bismuth greeted her with a crushing hug and a babble of pleasantries, trying to fill her little green friend in on what she missed. 

Lapis came not long after, wearing a dark blue crop top and pants with a gold ribbon and sandals. Much more relaxed and informal than the dress Bismuth remembered. 

Her first words? "Hey."

Which was enough, because Peridot hugged and spoke and jabbered in excitement enough for the three of them.

"Welcome back, Lapis," Bismuth said, friendly but a little wary at showing the same affection towards someone she'd just met.

"Nice to see you again," Lapis replied.

"Again? Well, I'm very flattered you remembered me!" Bismuth laughed. 

"Oh, I always remember a Gem who poofed me," Lapis said with a wan, wary smile.

And that struck Bismuth through. Before she could respond, Lapis and Peridot went off to survey the damage to the Barn, to see if anything - Meep Morps, DVDs, a television, the seed crops - could be salvaged. 

* * *

Bismuth racked her memory, trying to remember where she knew Lapis. Where the two of them had crossed paths. Where it had happened. 

Homeworld occasionally sent a Lapis or two to Earth to work on the Kindergartens, draining or moving water in a way to make the soil rich for gem cultivation. They usually did their work quickly, in a day or two, and then without a fuss. 

She remembered that Lapises usually traveled with a small bodyguard of Rubies, or occasionally a Jasper or two for protection. They had a flare for dramatic fashion, usually wearing long, flowing dresses, or sometimes large cowls that left them obscure, almost like a Sapphire back on Homeworld. Which made sense; they were rare, high-status gems and always seemed as aloof and mysterious as they were powerful. She'd never really known one that closely, though there were rumors that they weren't really as stuffy as they sometimes appeared. But then, Bismuth knew that was true about most Gems. 

Except the Diamonds, who were bitches. 

Then it finally hit her. She remembered a raid into one of the Kindergartens - not the prime or even Beta, but one somewhere in what the Earthlings now called South America, in a desperate attempt to manufacture new gems to reverse the tide. Rose and her main entourage weren't present - Bismuth was the commanding officer, leading a small team of thirty or forty gems in a quick operation to wipe out the new Kindergarten before it properly began.

That operation was a blur, one of a million battles, raids and skirmishes in that seemingly endless conflict. But she did remember a couple of scattered moments, most vividly the climax, when she wiped out a trio of Topazes and then found a tall, slender blue gem standing amidst the chaos, clearly panicking.

Remembered the blue hair, the flowing dress, the eyes wide with fear. Remembered her wings sprouting from her back, in a desperate attempt to flee.

But her wings didn't move. She just stood there as Bismuth approached, wielding her sword, and thrust it into her midsection. 

She remembered the briefest glimpse of pain and agony in the other gem's eyes, before she poofed.

And Bismuth savored the victory, just for a moment, knowing she'd knocked out a Homeworld aristocrat. Another upper crust gone, and good riddance.

Until a Jasper attacked her with a spear, and the moment of triumph vanished. 

 _That_ was her. 

It **had** to be. 

And as Bismuth realized this, she felt a deep, sinking feeling in her stomach. 

Quickly, when Peridot and Lapis weren't looking, she slipped into the Temple. Snuck into the Forge. And spent the next hour or so hammering away on her latest creation, trying to sublimate her pain and guilt into something productive.

* * *

 

When she finally emerged, it was nighttime. She walked out onto the beach, taking in the cool salt air and the calming darkness, the lapping of waves against the shore. 

She missed this in her time away. She didn't fully understand humans, but she did love Earth. 

Rose was right about one thing, at least, she thought to herself.

Then she saw Lapis sitting on the beach, by herself. Her gem shimmered in the moonlight, as did the gold trim along her waist. 

Bismuth's first instinct was to run back inside and hide. But she steeled herself. 

No. She had to make this right. 

Lapis was her...well, she couldn't say friend. Not yet, anyway. But partner? Ally? That sounded better. Whatever the words, they needed to get along. Needed to be okay with each other. Or at least to tolerate one another's existence.

For Steven's sake, if not her own. 

So she walked over and stood above Lapis for a moment, unsure what to say.

"Is this seat taken?" she finally asked. 

Lapis looked at her quizzically for a moment, then jerked her head. Bismuth took it as a sign that it was okay to sit down. She saw Lapis was cross-legged in the sand, her arms at her side, as if she were meditating.

"Needed a break from Peridot," Lapis admitted. "She and I...Well, it was like I was never gone. She just wanted to talk and talk about her plans for rebuilding the Barn and, you know, Camp Pining Hearts..."

Bismuth chuckled. "Yeah. I don't know what the last one is, but I do know that the Barn meant a lot to her...I mean, she talked about it a lot..."

"Yeah."  

Silence. Lapis stared out to sea. Bismuth fidgeted, listening to the waves, trying to clear her head. 

Why was this so hard? Talking to people was usually easy for her. 

"You don't have to feel bad," Lapis said, as if reading her mind. 

"Huh?"

"I mean, I can guess...What I said earlier must have..."

Lapis sighed. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have been so...casual about it." 

"You're apologizing to **me**?" Bismuth asked, a little flustered. "Whoa. Gotta admit, I wasn't expecting that."

"No, it's okay. Really. This is my bad. Guess I thought you would have recognized me..." 

"You know," Bismuth admitted, "...I almost didn't."

Lapis let out a quick chuckle. "Well, why would you? I mean, so much was going on that day...in that war...I was probably just one of a thousand gems you poofed." 

Bismuth didn't like hearing it put that way. She didn't regret anything she did during the Rebellion, but at the same time...she didn't like to think that she was hurting other Gems. Gems who were just doing their jobs. Gems who were far away from home and probably scared and terrified and not fully understanding what they were fighting for. 

Gems like Lapis.

"I'm...I'm sorry." Bismuth managed to choke out the words.

She expected Lapis to become angry or upset, to run or fly away and leave her alone on the beach. Or, to explode in rage. 

But Lapis seemed...nonchalant? She didn't visibly react to what Bismuth said at all. Just kept staring, and thinking silently, the ends of her hair wisping in the breeze.

The silence was enough to make Bismuth scream. 

"When I was poofed, I was captured by Homeworld. They thought I was a Crystal Gem and put me in a mirror. And I was trapped there for thousands of years. It was the most horrifying existence I could ever...I couldn't speak to anyone. At least not directly. Couldn't let anyone know that I was still alive, that I could still hear and see and feel things. And knew that even if they did know, they wouldn't care.

"I was mad at Pearl and the rest of them for the longest time. Tried to destroy them when Steven finally let me out. I mean...that's a big part of why I wouldn't join with the Crystal Gems for the longest time. Aside from Steven...what had any of them done to care for me? To show me that they were sorry or that they even wanted me around? Only Steven was friendly, and only Peridot..."

She sighed and started tracing her finger in the sand aimlessly. Bismuth watched as a small trickle of water flowed out from the sea and formed a swirl next to her.

"And I was so distant from them. So mean to them. Even Peridot. When I first thought the Diamonds were coming back to Earth, I abandoned her and...Well, she probably told you."

Bismuth nodded slowly, understanding.

"It takes me awhile, with everything I've been through, to warm up to people. Or, it always did. Except for Steven. He wanted to be my friend even when I was just a mirror. He saw some good, some potential in me that no one else had for a long time. He showed me that Earth had changed, and that there was beauty in it. And that people, and Gems, can change too. And that I, even me who'd caused so much harm and spent so much time isolated from everyone and everything...that I had **worth**."

Lapis suddenly seemed happier at the thought. But she still didn't look directly at Bismuth.

"You do have worth," Bismuth said quietly.

Lapis turned her head and smiled. "You think so?"

"I _know_ so," Bismuth assured her. "Lapis, let me tell you something. That's what the Crystal Gems are all about. It started out as Rose, or Pink Diamond, or whoever she was throwing a fit against her sisters...I guess Steven can fill you in all the details later, it's kind of a mess and I'm still wrapping my head around it. But that's not what it was, over time. If it was just some fluffy upper crust's temper tantrum, she couldn't have inspired thousands of Gems to desert and join her cause. We weren't fighting for Rose Quartz. We weren't even fighting for Earth. We were fighting for the right to be ourselves."

"And if there's one thing the war taught me, it's that _all_ gems have worth. And not just their assigned worth, either. I saw a Pearl learn how to swordfight. I saw a Ruby and a Sapphire fuse and form a love bond that lasted through millennia. I saw Jaspers displaying love and Agates showing compassion. I saw a tiny Amethyst learn to accept herself and a shrimpy Peridot fighting like the meanest Topaz. And I even saw a fed-up architect realize that she didn't want to waste her time and talents building monuments to empire, that she wanted to do and build things that she wanted to build.

"So believe me, Lapis...I want to be your friend. I know you're a good person. Believe me, you wouldn't have come back if you weren't. You wouldn't have dropped that barn on Blue Diamond's head. You wouldn't have gotten poofed trying to protect Peridot. That took guts. That took courage. That took character. That took...someone with worth."

Lapis remained silent, her smile more mysterious than ever. 

"I just want to know that we're cool," Bismuth concluded. "I don't want all of this hanging over us."

Lapis finally looked at her. To Bismuth's surprise, her face seemed happy. Peaceful. Relaxed.

Just the sight of it made Bismuth's guilt disappear. But she still wasn't sure what Lapis was going to say.

"There was a moment," Lapis began, "when I was in space. After I'd taken off from the Moon. I made it a pretty long way until I realized...I can't keep doing this. I can't keep running. Earth...the people on it...Steven, Peridot, even the others...they meant too much to me. Earth was my home. And it felt so strange to think of it that way. I'd lived there for thousands of years, and yet I saw so little of it. But now...everything I care about is here. Every **one**. And that's what matters."

She left that thought hanging for a moment.

"When I was in my Gem reforming...I mean, as much as you can think of anything in that state...I just thought, I've tried for so long to be a better person. I've tried for so long to make connections. For Steven. For myself. And when I come out of the Gem, I'm going to be me. Lapis Lazuli. Not a Lapis Lazuli, not just another Homeworld Gem. But the Lapis Lazuli who's played baseball and collected leafs and seen Empire City and raised crops and fished the old-fashioned way...The one who stopped running.

"The one who's a good person," she concluded, looking down at the sand again, as if she was talking about someone else. "The one who you can trust. The one who doesn't hold grudges. The one who can change, and forgive, and understand. The one...who can be a friend."

She reached out and clasped Bismuth's hand in her own. Bismuth responded by draping her other arm around Lapis's shoulders, holding her close.

"So...we're cool?" Bismuth asked, pulling away from Lapis. 

"Yeah, we're cool," Lapis agreed.

"Now that we've gotten that settled...Well, let's just say you're not the only one who spent thousands of years in isolation..."

"Were you bubbled?" Lapis asked.

"Not exactly. Me and Rose had...let's call it a tactical disagreement. So she stuck me in Lion's mane and left me there for a few thousand years."

Lapis raised an eyebrow. "Lion's mane? You mean Steven's lion?" 

"Yep."

"Jeez. What did you do there?"

"Oh, it was boring, mostly. I was in there basically by myself with an infinite plain of pink sand and grass, wandering the winds with no companion and nothing to do. Shit drove me crazy after awhile. I mean, you can get used to being lonely, you can used to having nothing to do, but you can't get used to it all at once. Didn't even meet

"Wow, I'm sorry."

"Don't be. Nothing you had anything to do with. And since Rose is gone...well, I still haven't forgiven her, I'd deck that bitch in the face if I saw her right now. But she's gone, and Steven took her place, and...I'll tell you this. I'd much rather deal with Steven than Rose."

"Yeah, that sounds pretty rough," Lapis agreed. "I mean, at least in the mirror..." She paused, scrunching her face into a grimace.

"No, cancel that thought. There's still nothing redeeming about the mirror."

"Yeah," Bismuth agreed. "So at least we have one thing in common."

"Well, two things," Lapis said.

"Oh?"

"We're both on Earth," Lapis said.

Bismuth smiled and nodded. She stood up and offered Lapis her hand. 

"Come on, Lapis," she said. "I'll bet Peridot is getting worried. And if we're out here alone too long, she might get the wrong thoughts."

Lapis laughed, a pleasant chuckle punctuated with a snort.

"She doesn't need a reason to get worried," she said, lifting herself to her feet. 

"Oh, you're telling me," Bismuth agreed. "You should have seen her while we were prepping Ruby and Sapphire's wedding..."

And the two walked down the beach, making small talk like old friends. Like nothing that passed between them made a difference. 

Because it didn't matter. They were both Crystal Gems now.

And that's what mattered. 

 

 


End file.
